"How Can I Navigate the Loss of the Love of My Life? The Story of Pepper"

How do I begin this post? The best way is to write it from my heart & just let my feelings flow. Grief is raw, with no warning of how hard it'll hit, when, or where. It can be gut-wrenching & outright painful.

January 21st, 2017, was a brand-new year, & with that came the best decision I ever made: the best choice to rescue an adult Yorkie. What did that mean? I had no clue, as this was going to be really my first time having a little guy. But all I knew was that I was going to give him the best life possible, and we'd go everywhere together. Isn't that what people do when they have a small dog? I was soon in for a surprise: I didn't get a "dog"; I got a boy!

I picked him up from his previous mama in San Jose, CA, several hours away from home. I quickly knew I had found my soul mate, the love of my life, in this little four-legged creature. As my son Andrew & I drove away with him, he wanted to sit with me, but since I was driving, I felt uncomfortable as I never drove with a Pepper on my lap, so he cried all the way home with Andrew. We made a few pit spots for him to use the restroom or a bush. But every time I'd look over at him, I fell deeper in love with him & I think he did too. I couldn't get home soon enough to start our new life.

As the months passed, our bond grew deeper. He was all that I thought of & all that I needed. I remember googling often, "How long do Yorkies live?" 10-15 years seemed to be the most frequent answer. I have about five years with him, as I thought Pepper was six.

As the years passed, I dreaded thinking about him not being here; somehow, he became my baby, Carlos & Andrew's little brother. Then, in 2018, when Billy moved in, Pepper gained a papa & little did Billy know that he was gaining a little boy. I knew it was going to happen, & I let it happen on its own to this pit bull-loving man. & yup, sure enough, in no time, we became a family. Our family would eventually grow to have a sister for Pepper, Noodle, our sassy girl cat. It was all of us & Pepper was, well, the heart of our family. We lived in Pepper's life & somehow; we were all okay with that.

Around early 2022, Pepper started to cough, kind of a honky goose cough. I knew what it was; I had read about it on Google when I would ask how long Yorkies live. Trachea collapse, my worst nightmare! I had read about how common it is in the Yorkies & the possible outcome. The meds started to come in: steroids, cough syrup, Benadryl, nebulizer, inhalers & calming meds. We had it under control. But winters & dry heat would strike it back up. So, the humidifiers came to try to balance out the air. 2023 was on & off with his cough, but his trachea continued to collapse. Surgery wasn't an option due to his age & the stress on him. My heart broke with every cough.

It was sometime in January of this year that the dosage of meds stopped working & we needed to increase them all. We also developed a new sleeping plan for Pepper & I. For all of us to get some sleep, Pepper & I would go to bed between 12:30 a.m. & 1 a.m. That would be the first dose of meds... then it would be Billy's turn to give him his next round of meds at 4 a.m. & sometimes I would have to give him a small dose at 6 a.m., but if we were lucky, that wasn't the case & he would sleep until 8 a.m. But as the weeks went by, luck wasn't in our favor; we needed that 6 a.m. dose. Pepper started waking up later & later. Sometimes, Noodle & I would have to do morning treats in the room with Pepper instead of their usual kitchen spot.

Looking back, I realize he was too sick and was holding on. His walk slowed, & Billy even built a little ramp to help Pepper get through our kitchen sliding door. But not knowing that we were at the end, we tried everything and did everything. I wish I could've done more, & I wish I knew how I could've prevented this from happening. But it was a part of Pepper's life, as it is for all of us.

I had taken him to get groomed the week of his passing. When I went to pick him up, his long-time groomer told me that it would be the last time she would be able to groom him as he was too sick now. It's so weird how I just couldn't see it. Why? She asked when his next doctor's appointment was; ironically, it was scheduled for the following day.

I want to fast-forward to the day Pepper passed. The days leading up to it are painful & so hard on me that I just can't. But we did take him one last time to his favorite town, Sonoma. We have many beautiful memories with our boy, from random day trips to holiday festivities.

We had to make the decision sometime around 1 a.m. Thursday. There was no way that we could let our baby suffer anymore & given that he was only given a few weeks left. We would have heard horrific stories if we had prolonged it. We couldn't bear to put him through that. Billy said, "I protected him his entire life; I never would let him suffer, & I am not doing that to him now." I held Pepper in my arms throughout the night; I thanked him repeatedly & told him how much I loved him & that it was okay for him to go in peace. I told him we would meet again & that time it would be forever. I rocked him back & forth & danced with him. I looked at him & he would look at me, we knew. I had never felt him hold me so tight; his heart was beating into mine & I could feel his warmth. He looked scared, & I just kept telling him it was okay as we all were around him through the night: me, Billy, Carlos, Andrew & Noodle. I felt sick to my stomach; I was dying; I was nothing.

My baby passed peacefully on Thursday, February 15th, 2024. I held onto his left hand as Billy had me in his arms. Carlos & Andrew kneeled down, massaging his neck & touching softly his ears just like Pepper loved. His body took his last breath on Earth. Many photos & videos were taken in those previous days; They're the rawness of death & the sadness that each one holds. I look at them from time to time, but I try to skip over them. As I said, it's too painful.

On March 5th, we brought Pepper home; his sweet ashes are now sitting on our mantel by the TV & other mementos of Pepper. From his ashes to his clay paw print & many photos of my sweet boy are placed throughout our home now. They give us comfort & seeing him either brings a smile or tears to my face, but either way, it is a sense of comfort. The day that Billy & I picked up his ashes, his Dr looked at me with tears in her eyes & said, "Because of you, Pepper lived an extra five years from all of his illnesses. You kept him going, & your love kept him alive & you never treated him like a dog."

I talked to Pepper's first mama in those days, as we had stayed in contact over the years through email. She then confirmed that Pepper was born on May 9th, 2009, 05/09/09 & not in 2010. I wanted to see how Pepper would be the #23, my lucky number. That week one night, Billy told me, babe, 5+9+9=23; my boy summed up 23! He is my lucky boy, soulmate & the love of my life. Carlos & Andrew sum it up together, but Pepper did it all on his own.

It's been five weeks & two days now, & I have gone through every emotion possible, but I am sure there are a thousand more. I have been angry at the world, angry at God, angry at my dad, and all the what-ifs have crossed my mind & I regret not taking him out as much as we used to. It had been cold & rainy & with other life events, we mostly stayed home. We had many plans for the coming seasons, but Pepper had other plans. I have been distraught to the where I can't sleep; I look over all night where he would sleep & see the emptiness. His pillows are still placed there by Billy & I lay his white blanket down. The pee pad that used to lay on the floor in the kitchen tucked in a corner was picked up the following day that he passed. Now it's in the garage, under my car. But the empty floor space was too much for us here, so Billy placed a clean pee pad down a few days later. His meds are still in the medicine cabinet and kitchen cabinet & his treats are in the pantry. Frozen containers of his food are in the freezer. I do not know how long that will remain, but none of it bothers anyone. So it may stay for as long as I am here.

Moving forward without Pepper seems nearly impossible, but we all know that life goes on as painfully as it is. I have begun to make many changes within myself & with my business. I am no longer at Country Chic Homes but Here With Ali. I will update the blog site soon, & I will remove the shop page. The About Me page is being redone. Photos will start to change in the coming weeks. But I will always carry my sweet boy, who was in a costume with a tail, in my heart & my soul, as Pepper will always be my baby boy who stole my heart completely. I will always talk about him and share him & I will never talk about him in the past tense. Pepper will continue to live on in our hearts; he's just that special; he's #instafamous. He will forever be my boo boo's & my boo boo's butt.

XO

P.S

without realizing I have posted on the 23rd.

My Dearest Pepper,

You loved me like no other; the word unconditional doesn't even begin to define your love for me. From the moment I got you, we got each other, my sweet boy. I loved you the first second you came up to me & that car ride home was the best ride ever. There was just something so special about you; you had a way that changed my life. I'll miss you forever, my boy; the ache is so deep that it hurts every part of me. Some days are like I'm living in a nightmare that I can't wake up from. I must remember that you're now running free & are no longer gasping to breathe. Please continue to be strong & don't be scared of anything. I know you're so brave & please know that if I could have saved you, I would have. I would have stayed awake every night with you to take your pain away. I would have done anything for you. Pepper, you are the love of my life... until we are reunited again, I will hold you tight & never let you go cause that time will be forever.

Love, mama.